Thursday, June 30, 2011

Busy, Lazy, or Just Plain Crazy

I always promise myself that I will blog more. I will visit more blogs. I will post more patterns and tutorials.
And then, without fail, I neglect my blog. Worse, I neglect you - the gorgeous people who actually bother to read my silly nonsense.
I cannot say that I have been unusually busy. People like me are rarely busy for more than a few days at a time.
"People like me" meaning agoraphobics. Did I mention that I am agoraphobic? I mean BEFORE just now? I don't think so. I know that some of you are already aware of my mental misfirings, but I have never officially "come out" on my blog as a person with mental illness.

Well, here you go - and you are certainly not obligated to read through what is likely to be a rambling post of me venting a bit.
I take meds every day, and have for the past few years (Effexor XR 300mg (venlafaxine) for anybody in the psych med know). The meds seriously help with the depression, and most of the anxiety, but it does not fix the panic attacks. So now I am the most laid back, easygoing chick you could ever know - who may suddenly start tearing up and panicking. It seems to confuse my doctor (whose specialty is sports medicine, btw, I have only seen a psychiatrist TWICE over the past 4 or 5 years) as much as it confuses me. I am not scared of anything in particular happening. I just react poorly to crowds and background noise.
This brain backfiring has rendered me useless in the workforce, so I have been out of work for about 3 years now. I am Canadian, so I have been in ODSP limbo for 2 years (like Social Security for people with disabilities). Pain in the ass, it is.
Have any of you ever taken Effexor XR for an extended period of time? It is some seriously effed up stuff. It has all but destroyed my short term memory. I have to surround myself with post-it notes, scribblings on envelopes, and trying to use as many senses to recall things as possible (eg: I forget if I have taken my meds, so I try to memorize where I am when I take them, say out loud that I am taking them, and note the taste of the beverage I take them with). I suffer hot flashes and night sweats that make menopausal women pity me. My body randomly twitches when I am sitting at my computer or laying in bed at night. I do not mean a little flutter - I mean a big jerk of an arm or my torso or my head. It can be quite embarrassing - and messy if I am holding a beverage! It has also really messed up my ability to score well in Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, dammit!
I would also bitch about it messing with my sex drive, but since I am a single gal who rarely leaves the house, that is probably a good thing!
My crafting is also dramatically affected by my illness, and by the medication. If I have a panic attack while working on a project, I find I cannot return to it. EVER. The meds suck the creativity and motivation out of me most of the time. I have thousands of creative ideas, but my brain goes fuzzy when I want to implement them. I am lucky to get a few artsy energy bursts now and then, but I am always slacking far behind in my projects (sorry Deana! xoxo). My WIP pile has the most random assortment of crafts in various stages of completion.

Lately I have been quite stressed over the fact that I must attend a large social function this coming Saturday. Normally a Saturday night would consist of watching a movie on the computer or reading a book. This Saturday, my nephew will be marrying his beautiful girlfriend. He is in the Canadian army, recently returned from his 3rd tour in Afghanistan. She is a nurse. I am very happy for both of them, and I want to be there with them to celebrate the special event. I just wish that I could do it via webcam or something LOL! On the bright side, there will be a lot of liquor, and a lot of attractive young men in uniform. Wish me luck (at the event, not with the hot young guys, though while you are at it...)

I will leave you with a photo of the lovely couple, taken at some kind of Army ball on the base.