Thursday, June 30, 2011

Busy, Lazy, or Just Plain Crazy

I always promise myself that I will blog more. I will visit more blogs. I will post more patterns and tutorials.
And then, without fail, I neglect my blog. Worse, I neglect you - the gorgeous people who actually bother to read my silly nonsense.
I cannot say that I have been unusually busy. People like me are rarely busy for more than a few days at a time.
"People like me" meaning agoraphobics. Did I mention that I am agoraphobic? I mean BEFORE just now? I don't think so. I know that some of you are already aware of my mental misfirings, but I have never officially "come out" on my blog as a person with mental illness.

Well, here you go - and you are certainly not obligated to read through what is likely to be a rambling post of me venting a bit.
I take meds every day, and have for the past few years (Effexor XR 300mg (venlafaxine) for anybody in the psych med know). The meds seriously help with the depression, and most of the anxiety, but it does not fix the panic attacks. So now I am the most laid back, easygoing chick you could ever know - who may suddenly start tearing up and panicking. It seems to confuse my doctor (whose specialty is sports medicine, btw, I have only seen a psychiatrist TWICE over the past 4 or 5 years) as much as it confuses me. I am not scared of anything in particular happening. I just react poorly to crowds and background noise.
This brain backfiring has rendered me useless in the workforce, so I have been out of work for about 3 years now. I am Canadian, so I have been in ODSP limbo for 2 years (like Social Security for people with disabilities). Pain in the ass, it is.
Have any of you ever taken Effexor XR for an extended period of time? It is some seriously effed up stuff. It has all but destroyed my short term memory. I have to surround myself with post-it notes, scribblings on envelopes, and trying to use as many senses to recall things as possible (eg: I forget if I have taken my meds, so I try to memorize where I am when I take them, say out loud that I am taking them, and note the taste of the beverage I take them with). I suffer hot flashes and night sweats that make menopausal women pity me. My body randomly twitches when I am sitting at my computer or laying in bed at night. I do not mean a little flutter - I mean a big jerk of an arm or my torso or my head. It can be quite embarrassing - and messy if I am holding a beverage! It has also really messed up my ability to score well in Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, dammit!
I would also bitch about it messing with my sex drive, but since I am a single gal who rarely leaves the house, that is probably a good thing!
My crafting is also dramatically affected by my illness, and by the medication. If I have a panic attack while working on a project, I find I cannot return to it. EVER. The meds suck the creativity and motivation out of me most of the time. I have thousands of creative ideas, but my brain goes fuzzy when I want to implement them. I am lucky to get a few artsy energy bursts now and then, but I am always slacking far behind in my projects (sorry Deana! xoxo). My WIP pile has the most random assortment of crafts in various stages of completion.

Lately I have been quite stressed over the fact that I must attend a large social function this coming Saturday. Normally a Saturday night would consist of watching a movie on the computer or reading a book. This Saturday, my nephew will be marrying his beautiful girlfriend. He is in the Canadian army, recently returned from his 3rd tour in Afghanistan. She is a nurse. I am very happy for both of them, and I want to be there with them to celebrate the special event. I just wish that I could do it via webcam or something LOL! On the bright side, there will be a lot of liquor, and a lot of attractive young men in uniform. Wish me luck (at the event, not with the hot young guys, though while you are at it...)

I will leave you with a photo of the lovely couple, taken at some kind of Army ball on the base.


Jaclyn T said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are not "just plain crazy"!! It's very brave of you to be so revealing. I hope you are able to enjoy Saturday. Have you tried other meds to help with the panic attacks? I'm sending you an email...

kittykill said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thank you for being so brave and putting yourself out there. It is so hard! I think you are FAB and You re going to be okay on Saturday. Calm thoughts...deep calm breaths. You are awesome!

CJG said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A big hug to you for sharing your situation! If you're brave enough to do that, you can handle a wedding. I'll be thinking of you on Saturday!

AlwaysInspired said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Everyone loves you despite your little quirks. I especially love you for your support, ideas, and being my biggest cheerleader! You happen to be one of the bravest, outspoken people I know and for that I say thank you. Go to that wedding, rock your new hair do and relax! I know you can do it and have a great time!

Shob said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

What a brave post. I don't know you very well, but I think you are an awesome, talented woman.

I did Effexor for about 6 months, but had to switch over to Wellbutrin XL, which worked a bit better. I'm not 100% (I don't know anyone who is)but I'm functioning much better now. Love and support of family and a few friends helps, as does crafting, but I haven't been able to get anything crafty done in ages. I have tons of ideas, but little energy to get them done, but I hope to change that soon.

Good luck on Saturday. I am sure you'll do well, and am hoping for the best.

fullnovembermoon said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I used to have panic attacks pretty frequently and never tried meds. I got out a book on them and read each and every step of what happens to make a person feel the way they do during. Then as I would have one I taught myself to repeat to myself ok this my body doing this, so I feel this way. Eventually they faded down to about one a year. Now when I do have my panic day I stop and tell someone this is it, I talk about it and sometimes now they do not happen at all. I hope you find a way out of your panic attacks and back to doing the things you love.

Judith8Acht said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hey, welcome to the club... i suffer clinical depressions for more than 20 years now and some more f...** deseases....
BUT life is great and good. Sometimes it gets hard to believe and, yes, sometimes you just want to give up... meds or not meds... "Am i all myself or just "plain crazy"? I have been through all this.
Just breath and breath and don't stop doing this!!!
One great bear of a hug! Judith